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Shake It Off!
by Dave
Monday, April 02, 2007
Tara, a softball mom, writes in with a question:
Over the years I have tried pep talks, discussions about feelings, rewards (even ice cream and tennis shoes!), negative sanctions, sitting her (when she was on my rec team once), visualizing, positive affirmations and probably everything in between to get my very competitive, small but quite athletic 11 year old daughter to control her emotions. She's had coaches "talk her down," be very sympathetic, sit her, discuss the problem in front of the whole team (shaming) and probably more, and still the problem persists. She was the starting pitcher on her 10U Tournament team this last summer and she’s a fanatic about form and game function – the whole sport just turns her on. Her creative writing papers at school frequently include playing in college, coaching someday and getting the sport back into the Olympics. She is great when she's doing well, but when her performance falters her confidence can drop and she just falls apart. Recently she's been able to "laugh it off" more when she strikes out, which really isn't that often, but at 11 years old this is getting ridiculous. I am just wondering if you have seen anything that is effective with such a child.
My first reaction to this question is, "oh sure, I know what to tell you." But as I sit here thinking about yesterday's tournament, I feel totally unqualified to answer the question. There's a lot to this. There aren't any easy answers. But I'll give it a go because it may help me figure out what to do with my kids!
The first thing that comes to mind with the subject of ballplayer meltdown is the psychology which gives rise to it. If you've got a kid who melts down after she makes a bad play or throw, strikes out, or walks in a run, you've got a kid who cares about the game and her performance. It may or may not be a confidence issue. But it is definitely a caring issue. A kid who cares about the game and her own personal performance is at least better than a kid who doesn't care about anything. I'd rather a kid have emotional highs and lows than one who is always in some "Stepford Wives" even keel.
I once thought my older daughter completely unflappable. She was out there pitching or whatever and didn't seem to mind doing something wrong. She could walk the bases loaded and then strike out the next three on 9 pitches. Everyone said, "I wish my kid were like that. She always worries about the next pitch, never the last one. That's a really good quality." Then my kid realized she was pretty good. And every "mistake," no matter how insignificant, became an "I suck" moment.
Yesterday I was short players and had no choice but to play my budding star at short, a position she's never played. She's a very good third baseman with decent reaction speed and a good arm. She was always a little slow afoot until we put her into agility training. Now I'd have to say her foot speed, especially in the field, is well above average. So, she's out in the field with a runner on second and this kid hits a smash linedrive up the middle. My kid ranges to her left about three steps and makes a great short hop play on the ball. The speed with which she got there would lead you to believe she was moving before the batter hit the ball. She was Johnny (um, Sally) on the spot. The runner crossed in front of her and she reached to tag her out but misses by about 2 inches (actually she tagged her but the ump missed it). She then threw to first and missed getting the runner out by half a step. I was so amazed at her head's up play that I was speechless for a couple seconds. I couldn't believe she fielded the ball let alone had the presence to try to get the lead runner and then to even think about making the throw to first. It was split-second play and she had done everything right. I looked out at her to tell her what a good play she had made but when my eyes met hers, I saw she was crying. She wasn't blubbering or anything like that but there were clearly tears in her eyes. I was a little surprised by her emotions.
After the tournament was over, I discussed the play with her. I asked why she had gotten so emotional about it. She explained that A) she had been very tired during that game (our third in 5 hours) and that while she knows she did most things right, she expects more out of herself. She said, "BUT, I want to be really good!" I said, "OK, but after the play, you cannot have that one back. There are no do-overs in softball. You can only attack the next play. And, if you've got tears in your eyes, you can't." You've got to learn to shake it off.
In another game we had yesterday, a meaningless preliminary round game - our first game together as a team, we were down four runs in the last inning and tied the score. Then we got a runner on second via a double. A wild pitch put the runner on third. Then a batter struck out to put us down to our last out. No problem - up came a kid who was 4 for 4 to that point. I thought about doing a delayed steal with our baserunner because the pitcher was inattentive but I opted for letting this kid hit, I was so sure she would line a single and we would win. She got down 1-2 and with three minutes left before the game timed out, I called her over and said, "hey, there's nothin' to this. You've been pounding the ball today. relax and just make contact. You got this girl." Strike three!
So after the game as we were gathering up our stuff to run to the next field, I noticed this girl was crying. She had been complaining about some pain in her wrists so I grabbed her and we walked down the third base line. I said, "I can see you crying but I'm not sure why. Are your wrists hurting really bad? Is something else hurting you? Because if you're crying for a reason other than pain, I really don't understand why. You didn't do anything yet today worth crying over." Then I talked to her about missed opportunities and how the best thing about this sport is we are going to have 50 - 70 games this year. I told her she'll have plenty of opportunities to hit that game winning hit. She calmed down and had a good day in our next two games. She shook it off.
Another little anecdote I have about this involves my younger kid, not an emotional rock, when she was 9, playing 10U. We were in the elimination round of a tournament, playing against the best team - the best team next to us. It was about 95 out at 3:00 and the game went to the sixth. She had pitched two and a half games the day before and given up maybe one unearned run. It was the sixth inning of a 0-0 game. She had allowed just one baserunner in the first five. But we couldn't hit their stud pitcher either. In the bottom of the fifth, my kid walked the first batter on 4 pitches. Then she struck out the next kid on 3. The next batter hit a slow grounder which the second baseman misplayed. I could see my kid getting red in the face - not from anger but from the heat. She had about had it for the day. I said to her hang in there and work the batter. You can get us out of this. She walked the next batter and bases were loaded with just one out. But she sucked it up and struck out the next hitter. Bottom of the last, 2 outs bases loaded 0-0! The next kid hit a pop fly to left where we had a very young kid playing. She never had a chance. Three runs scored. Ballgame over. My kid was very upset and crying. We talked that one over for quite a while and she finally realized that this was actually one of her better performances and there really was nothing to get sad about. She just had to shake it off and she did.
My point at this stage of the piece is, the sport of softball is largely about what you do AFTER a failure of some sort. You can be the greatest athlete on the planet but if you do not learn to deal with the emotions of the game - learn how to shake it off - you cannot succeed. As much as we teach fundamentals of fielding and throwing, hitting, pitching, etc., the bigger lesson is how to shake it off - forget the last play because you can't have it back - and make the next one.
There's another kind of meltdown I want to bring up here for the sake of a complete discussion. That is a meltdown not directed inwards. That is the meltdown where a player shows up another or openly criticizes her. That is a much greater evil to avoid.
I was watching a 14U game in which a really bad team was playing. I know they're bad because I know the team. They have 2 bona fide 14U travel players and the remainder is a bunch of weak 14s who have never played travel before, and some extremely inexperienced 13s, 12s, and even one 11. The 2 "bona fide" 14s would probably make most travel teams in our area but they wouldn't be on the "A" squad and most likely wouldn't see much action on elimination days. One would see more action than the other as she is a decent pitcher. She's been clocked at 60 which I don't doubt because I know her coach and he's stood behind me clocking pitchers - not my idea - when I tried them out. He doesn't have a fast gun.
This pitcher is the only real "player" on the team and she knows it. She's a cocky player who pitches most of their games. But she is definitely hittable and when somebody gets into one of her pitches and the defensive player botches it - which happens most of the time - this girl begins showing up her players. It begins with a look to the other bona fide 14U player. Their eyes meet and they exchange a "knowing glance." Then on the next one, she throws her head back in disgust. Later, she'll say something like "Oh come on!" n And from there it breaks down further and further. She'll actually tell a team member to her face "you suck."
This outwardly turned meltdown spells disaster for a player. There is no such thing on this planet as a player so good that she has a right to tell another that she sucks. Nobody is that good to begin with and, more to the point, that sort of bad behavior only sets the stage for more errors in the field. That'll lead to more meltdowns and eventually a complete breakdown of the entire team. They'll never win a game after some point in this process. Coaches should be on the lookout for this sort of thing and put a stop to it immediately, abruptly, and rudely if necessary. You can't tolerate that for a moment. If you do, not only will you be hurting your team, you'll also be hurting your superstar. She'll never get anywhere with that attitude.
I've gone a little astray. We're talking about inwardly aimed meltdowns. But I thought it necessary to discuss the other kind because sometimes, probably all too often. the inwardly becomes the outwardly. That's a danger parents need to be aware of.
I've seen parents actually encourage "showing up" teammates. The really funny thing about that is the parents and the kid are out there thinking the kid is really good and it's too bad she can't find a good team where she wouldn't have to worry about her teammates being so bad. The reason she can't find such a team is all the good teams already know her! We all sit out there on the sidelines telling stories about kids like this. We speak of them by name and everybody within 60 miles knows who they are.
If you're the parent of a 14 year old kid who throws 60, hits the cover off the ball, has a rocket arm, and makes most plays in the field look easy, you may be wondering why your darling daughter cannot make the cut when she tries out for "A" class teams. She's as good as those other girls. Why didn't they invite her back? You may be wondering why you always have to settle for poor teams. The reason is everybody knows who you are and wouldn't invite you to play for them if they had a roster of 8 players. They'd rather forfeit than lose with you on their squad. You can't see the poison mark on your face but you're the one who put it there. We can all see it clearly.
We coaches are a club as well - at our unofficial meetings, we often discuss "poison kids" while suggesting it is in each of our best interests to exclude them from our teams. Some coaches don't listen to that. They learn the hard way.
So I guess the moral of that story is, we really do need to find a way to teach our kids not to meltdown, to just shake it off. Tara says, I've "tried pep talks, discussions about feelings, rewards (even ice cream and tennis shoes!), negative sanctions, sitting her (when she was on my rec team once), visualizing, positive affirmations and probably everything in between." Nothing seems to work. I too have tried many of these things and I can't say I have THE answer. But here are my thoughts.
Your first efforts should probably be via talk. I would point out that the absolute best pitchers do not have 0.00 era's. That means they do give up runs, however infrequently that may be. The best hitters in the world do not bat 1.000. An exceptional hitter might hit .500. That means she "fails" 50% of the time. I was looking through the stats of a pretty good Division One college team and noticed they had one .400 hitter. Their next best was .320. After that, most everybody hit in the low two hundreds with one struggling starter "on the interstate," hitting in the hundreds. That means more than half of the hitters on a good team, at the highest levels, "fail" 80% of the time.
One girl I've coached is a huge major league baseball fan. Her father asked her if she thought so and so was a good hitter. She said, "yes." he asked her what the guy's batting average was and she said three hundred and something. he then asked her if she knew what .300 meant. She didn't. So he showed her how to calculate a batting average and then showed her what .300 means. he then pulled up the guy's situational stats and showed her that he was a .350 hitter with runners in scoring position. He then showed her that while the guy was a good hitter in the last inning with the game on the line and a runner in scoring position, he was certainly not perfect. He pointed out to his daughter that being successful just less than 50% of the time meant a player was a true star, an all-stater, a team leader, a great player. A light seemed to flash on in this girl's head and she seems to understand just how hard she has been on herself. I like this technique as a starting point.
The next thing I think a parent or coach can try in order to calm down a meltdown kid is another kind of discussion. That discussion should point out that there are players on the other team just like them. If you're up in the last inning with the winning run on base and get yourself the game winning hit, remember that there is another person out there who has failed - the pitcher or defensive player who missed the play. Right now they're the one doing the crying or otherwise melting down. If they are not crying or otherwise melting down, so much the better. Point out their reaction or lack thereof. Learn from other kids who already learned the lesson and who don't melt down.
Tara says she tries both positive and negative reinforcement, even sitting her down when she melts. I think that last point is an excellent idea. But you've got to get a coach who understands this, buys into it and has the courage of his convictions. if your kid is a superstar, the coach may not be willing to sit her. He isn't doing her any favors but you can't always convince a kid to act in your kid's long-term best interests. If you're the coach, whether the kid in question is yours or somebody else's, you should know that you're setting the stage for disaster by letting a meltdown kid melt. You need to work with the parents to resolve this issue. I suggest telling the kid that if she melts, she sits. Then you MUST follow through every time.
I tried this threat of sitting with 100% follow-through with one of my kids and it seemed to work pretty well. That wasn't a game meltdown situation but it was a meltdown along the same lines. The day I threw her out of practice and then wouldn't let her join the team meeting afterwards seemed to strike a chord in her. I did say that right, didn't I? That's right, I kicked my own child out of practice and made her stand there with tears rolling down her eyes while we conducted a team meeting after practice. It didn't sit very well with my kid or her teammates. I guess they figured out I was serious after that. You melt, you sit.
I just remembered another coaching experience I had. We had a very young team which was playing together in a fall league. It was actually parts from two teams and we were just playing together for fun in a pretty competitive league. But my objective was just to play for the experience. I used underage pitchers and players as frequently as I used the better kids, including the few star players we had. This one kid, one of our two best, started copping an attitude. I had seen the attitude developing for a while. It started out inwardly directed but quickly spread outwardly. At first this kid said, "I suck." That mentality was supported by her foul mouthed mother. Then I heard this kid was sitting in the dugout saying "we suck." I knew what was coming next so I carefully picked a fight with her mother and kicked the lot of them off the team. And her father was my only assistant coach! The incremental improvement the rest of the kids made over the next three practices more than made up for this "one-of-two-team-stars!"
So sitting or removal from a team is a technique I suggest. But the removal thing is awfully harsh. I reserve that for the absolute worst outwardly aimed meltdown kids who are poison to the team. With the other kids, the ones who are still inwardly melting, I try to talk them down from the ledge.
I am not an advocate of positive reinforcement in this particular area. I am a positive reinforcer in general but that's a technique I use to reward good general behavior like fielding a ball or throwing with good mechanics. I don't believe in positive reinforcement where really bad, harmful behavior is concerned. As a parent, I would never scream at my kid or smack her butt because she didn't eat all her dinner or some such minor behavior. But I believe firmly in the use of physical punishment when physical danger is involved.
When we brought home the second baby and the first experimented by pounding her on the head, I used physical punishment. When my kids tried to put their fingers in electrical sockets, I used physical punishment. When they fight like cats and dogs, I usually go verbally ballistic because I think it shows them what they sound like. And where minor behavior problems are exhibited, I like to use words to discuss the thing over. Most of all, I like to point out that I know exactly what the motivation is. And if we're talking about a kid melting down after an arguably bad play, I like to ask them how they did with the tears rolling down their face. I like to point out that they cannot possibly play as well as they want or are capable of when they are melting down.
Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't.
I do like visualization and relaxation techniques to generally develop a ballplayer. But Tara has tried that and it hasn't worked so I don't want to waste time on it per se. Instead, I'm going to transcend visualization and move right into the next logical step. As sportscaster Warner Wolf says, "let's go to the videotape!"
If you've got a videotape or digital recorder, I have a suggestion for how to use this to deal with a meltdown kid - your own meltdown kid. Turn the thing on every time she melts. Hopefully you will be able to capture a play subsequent to the beginning of the melt and capture an instance in which the melt actually harmed her performance. Don't let her know she is being recorded. She'll probably go ballistic if she sees that and it will only make things worse. But tape her meltdown episode if you can. Then when things are quiet and devoid of stress, tell her you have something you want her to see. Before you show her, make her understand that this session is not optional. have her sit calmly and discuss the meltdown thing rationally. If you've picked the right moment, she should be receptive to the discussion. if she's not, choose another time to show her the tape.
If you've got your kid in the right frame of mind and she is receptive to the discussion about how melting down hurts performance, explain to her that you are both on the same team. You're not on Kaitlyn's team. You're not on Ashley's team. You're on her team. Your only interest in this gosh darn sport is for her benefit. Everything you say and do is about her - not you, not the team, not anybody else. You're only interest is in making her enjoy the game more and you;re concerned about this meltdown thing. Once she is completely receptive, show her the tape of what she looks like during a meltdown. Show her the bad play she made after the meltdown occurred. Show her how these outbursts hurt her.
If you've gotten to this point without, well let's be honest, another meltdown, you shouldn't stop there. I would suggest you point out what it means to be poison and that melting down directly leads to that even though it may not seem like a logical progression now. The I would suggest to her that if the meltdowns continue you are not going to allow her to play the sport anymore. Threaten her lightly - not directly. Tell her that you are watching her development as a ballplayer and you have real concerns. You are just now beginning to think about making her stop playing. You haven't made up your mind yet but you are considering it. It may not be until a year or more from now but if these meltdowns continue, you may one day no longer allow her to play the sport.
Once you have made it clear you are on her team, how bad of a trend this is, how ugly it is, and that you are actually quite serious about never letting her play ball again, I suggest you then move into the cause of the melts. She'll probably tell you that she isn't pleased with her playing at least some of the time. You should discuss the success-failure rate in this sport then and explain that there isn't a human being on the planet who can do it every time. Discuss the batting average and era things. Talk about Cat Osterman's failures at winning the NCAA championships. Talk about anything you and she know about in terms of failures and successes. Also point out that much of the time the other team and players have something to do with you and your team's failures. It is a game (certainly not "just a game") and that means there are always going to be winners and losers. But melting down is never going to help her or her team.
They say the best approach to stopping those 3 year old temper tantrums is to ignore the kid throwing the tantrum. I've found that to be true with my own kids. But when the kid is 10, 11, 12, 13 or older, you've got to do more than ignore the problem. My personal opinion is showing them what they look like when they melt (essentially throw a temper tantrum) is as good a means of anger management as any other. If you don't have a video camera, the money you spend for one might just be the best parenting money you ever spend. It isn't about softball. It's about the kid.
Softball is certainly a game. It isn't "just a game" but it is a game. There are always going to be winners and losers in terms of scores, stats and standings. But if your kid melts and doesn't learn to control that, she is going to be more than a loser of games. She is going to lose, or at least not win as much as she should, at the game of life. Teach her to shake it off.Labels: coaching, mental toughness, parenting, Visualization
 
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